Note to Myself.

(Elite Daily, Kara Nesbitt - Accepting who you are and learning to love being alone are essential to a happy life.)

"Over the course of time, you will learn that many people you thought would always be there will soon disappear. You will be let down time and time again, and eventually discover that the only constant in life is "change".
With each passing day, people begin new relationships, while others end old ones.

I have watched many of my own relationships come to a halting close. New chapters in my life have been slowly written time and time again.

My social circle went from many, to a few that are worthy of my trust and loyalty.

It took numerous occassions and difficult realizations for me to learn to accept the things that have happened in my life, and to accept what is now for what it is. Accepting who I used to be and the mistakes I made as that person, and not letting those mistakes define who I am today.


The next step was realizing that it is okay to be alone.

Grwoing up, if I did not have something to do on a Friday or Saturday night, I was blasting "I'm Just a Kid" by Simple Plan, crying in the dark and cursing off every single person that didn't ask me to hang out.

I'm happy to say that I have come a long way since then, and have learned to appreciate solitude.


I have also realized that getting lost in thoughts and in physicality is a beautiful thing.

Over the years, I have learned that losing yourself and finding your way back makes the experience that much better.


There is no better time than now for you to allow yourself to be happy. It is time to embrace yourself and all that you have to offer.


Be alone, give yourself the chance to learn about yourself, expand your soul and allow yourself to grow. Enable each chapter of your life to help you become a better you.

Press forward, putting one foot in front of other, until you are finally so overwhelmingly confident that you can look back , and see that you have climbed mountains.


" "I think it is very healthy to spend time alone. You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person." --Oscar Wilde





AN ARROW CAN ONLY BE SHOT BY PULLING IT BACKWARD. SO WHEN LIFE IS DRAGGING YOU BACKWARD WITH DIFFICULTIES, IT MEANS THAT IT IS GOING TO LAUNCH YOU INTO SOMETHING GREAT. SO JUST FOCUS AND KEEP AIMING.

The girl who can't be moved.

I know. I know the messages I sent you on Facebook will never appear to be "seen" anymore.

I still couldn't believe it.

I miss you, still think about you occasionally, still check back our pictures occasionally. Your beautiful face, bubbly personality, charming smile are still in my mind, fresh, like how they were years ago.

We have been through ups and downs, we fought, we quarreled, we hated each other, we cried, we did crazy things, we shopped together, we took selfies at the fitting rooms, we performed and sang together, we sang karaoke for 8 hours, we walked in the rain, we cooked together.. we have done so much more together. It's you that I learned to be more assertive and confident. You have always protected me like a sister, supported me when I acted like a coward, timid little rat.

--

You have always wanted to be loved. All your life, you have always been seeking for a good guy, a good guy who is going to love you, protect you, treat you well, stop your tears, hold your hands and stay by your side till you are old, a good guy whom a great girl like you deserved.

"Grow old with someone I love" is the caption of the cover picture on your Facebook profile. Now tell me which one is harder - to find someone you love? Or to grow old?

I have asked myself 1000 times - why does it always rain the hardest on the people who deserves the sun? All you have wanted is Love, and all you have done your whole life is to love people. Maybe God loves you, just like how much we love you, you this lovely lovingly happy girl, so He decided to keep you by his side.

But God, would you please send her back to us?  You have taken her away from us long enough it's time for her to come home. Please?

--

My dear little Pearly, you might be too busy to read your Facebook and WhatsApp messages, but I will still keep you updated about my life. Have a sweet dream in heaven. You will be dearly missed and I will never. ever. ever. forget about all the memories that we have had together. Say Hi to me sometimes in my dream.

Till next time, X.

大家都吃着聊着笑着
今晚多开心
最角落里的我
笑得多和群

Just a thought

I think one thing that is harder than saying goodbye is to pretend like you do not care when actually you do. Things change, people move on - sometimes you thought the feelings faded but when you start facing it again, you'll be surprised how certain things impacted your brain, your mind and your life, deeply.

Letting go doesn't mean that you don't care anymore. It's just realizing the only person you really have control over is yourself.

The second year

Time flies in a blink, I have been on this land for a year!
Flashing back old memories, everything is so far yet so close, like a long dream.
I suddenly miss the good old days, days back in high school, days back in INTI.
I am having a totally different life here compared to where I was. No complain, appreciate everything that I am having now but still, sometimes I will wonder what if i did not come to the US. what is gonna happen? Is it gonna be better or else?


Guys I miss y'all so much.

Tough time

Be Kind,

Everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

 So please be kind to me?Thank you.

Life is tough and hard.

.  

倒数第三天

有了你们，才知道上云顶不需要选日期，只要有人陪几时都可以。
有了你们，才知道在房间里面喝茶聊天过日子也是不错的事情。
有了你们，才知道女生骂cipet也可以骂到很有'自己的味道'。
有了你们，才知道地点不是问题，只要在一起的时间就是最美的回忆,最有趣的经历。
有了你们，才知道吵吵闹闹才是幸福。
有了你们，才知道游泳到一半逗别人笑会死人的.哈哈哈
有了你们，才知道游泳游3个小时算是小儿科.
有了你们，才知道义气是什么，朋友是什么，不计较是什么，真心是什么。
有了你们，时间突然过得很快.
有了你们，才知道除了家还有一个地方和家里一样温暖。
有了你们，才知道笑道肚子痛是很幸福的一件事。
有了你们，唱卡拉ok每次都会唱到喉咙痛头痛耳朵痛。
有了你们，才知道朋友真的的可以一个call赴汤蹈火。
有了你们，我才知道我被珍惜被疼爱。
有了你们，我的生命漂亮精彩。
有了你们，天天在外面过夜也不错。
有了你们，玩的像疯子一样也没关系。



有了你们，希望能一辈子留在你们的心里脑海里不会忘记。



有了你们，才知道不管到了多远的地方，我还是不会一个人。
有了你们，我期待未来，期待再见的日子。




..

你知道多少？

就像回家之前，别人只看到我在美国开心时候的照片,
现在我回到马来西亚，别人也只质疑我回家的决定。

回家或留下，两难的决定，最终选择了回家，你又知道多少原因让我下这决定？
多少情绪多少心临崩溃孤独的时刻多少忍住不流下的眼泪.



别人只看到在国外开心快乐的时刻，他们看不到心酸。
看不到我在这个地方迷失方向，茫然;
看不到我宁可躲在房间逃避着‘你没用别人就管你去死的世界’，独自一人。
看不到我完完全全的失去我原本的自信，变成什么都不是。
看不到我拿到个70分在痛哭.
看不到我的慌与无助,每天都在想我该怎么逃离这些框框。



‘哇，钱多啊来了一个学期就回家'
'不如在这边旅行，浪费钱。’
‘回去无所事事在这边无所事事我宁愿在这边无所事事’
‘将快就回来？’
‘找工啦只是想着回去玩’

讲啦讲啦还有什么？

不要以为..你的想法就应该是别人的决定
不要认为你的认知就是别人的状况
不要以为你以为别人就是你的以为
你永远不知道别人经历了什么
不知道一个决定背后有多少故事，心里有多少挣扎。

‘可以有多少挣扎噢？可以有几辛苦噢？’
对，就是不懂人家有几辛苦，就不要随便讲，可以吗？

别人做了决定那你就祝福，要不就把你的血盆大口关上，他们会感激你的。

让别人为他们做的决定感到后悔与罪恶感你有比较快乐吗？
所以拜托你把你嘴巴关上，我会很感激你的。
要不然祝福，我会更感激的.
不奢望你会了解，可也请你不要乱评价。

你永远不知道别人经历了什么才走到了今天.

无论如何，我回来了.
要在这三个月内找回自信，找回原来的我.
在三个月内让自己相信自己，回去时真切认为自己能做到。
希望任务能完成。

感谢了解我的人，谢谢你们。我会努力找回自己。
三个月后见。
希望到时候你见到的是你祝福的我，自信，相信自己的我。
你说的对，为什么我以前能做的在美国却不能。我会努力找回来的。

也谢谢这边的朋友们。感谢有你们。






..

So what is your value? ZERO.

You gain no respect from no one..! Cos you are not important at all. Not good enough not pretty enough not smart enough not sporty enough not outstanding enough not sociable enough not unique enough not famous enough not doing anything good enough. So what is your value for other people? Zero! That's why you gain no respect from others. It's your fault, for not being at the top and just being an average people; your fault, for not being a talented enough person; your fault, for not being unique enough and too easy going; your fault, for for not being anyone that other people expect you to be.

You are NOTHING.



But do you know that I am just human being? May be you are good enough she is even better than you and he is the best, yet not everyone must be as capable as you. You should not comment and laugh or even make fun with their weaknesses because you aren't them, you never know how hard they hqve tried.

And , wtf.. WHO ARE U TO JUDGE ME?




.



..

习惯孤独

本来你就是一个人。

没有人需要你而活，别人没了你也能活。

从很多人在身边到一无所有一切归零，从新开始习惯寂寞孤独。
短短一段日子里强迫自己，也已经习惯坚强的一个人走。
虽然很辛苦虽然很孤独，可是一直安慰着自己‘你本来就是一个人’来走下去。


终于那段几个人在一起的时间里，觉得好开心，觉得自己不是一个人。
太开心的结果，就是产生了很大的反差。
忘了，到最后终究还是自己而已。

回到孤独，比习惯孤独更难过。

不期望就不失望。
不想着自己可能不孤独，就不怕孤独。

忘了所有开心的时光都会结束，到后来还是得回到原点。

要脱离依赖。
脱离依赖回忆，脱离依赖别人让自己不孤独。
别人还有别的事得做呢。

所以加油习惯孤独吧。

..

I know

I Miss You.

I hope i'm by your side right now.

有一些人，会让你说‘MISS YOU' .然后-the end- .. 就没话说了。
有一些人，会让你说'MISS YOU',然后说话说个没完没了到天亮。
有一些人，你懒得跟他说话别说是'MISS YOU'.
有一个人，你会胆怯跟他说'MISS YOU'. 即便说了，总是有千言万语在心头，你找不到一个字来诉说你对他的思念。

你知道吗，你就是哪一个人。




.

Home.

Sprained my leg yesterday during ice skating session. Couldn't stand straight and bending my knee is even killling me. I think i gotta skipped all the class today. M not able to walk properly let alone take bus and walk from a building to another building for classes. I have limited medication, only applied some pain killer from Fifa and ate medicine that brought from Malaysia.

Suddenly i just miss home so much. If i was at home, there are dad and mom who will take care of me, has proper medication, there are friends who will take care of me too even if i cacat i know they sure still will. But this is life. Learning to be independent, to be able of take care of one self. I knew it long ago, it wouldn't be an easy journey.

Buck up Biji.


THis is only the 48th day. There is still a really long way to go.

I'm just really glad that i have this bunch of kixiao people as my frens.. :)

 HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR! :)

WHEN LIFE HAS LOCKED ME OUT,
I TURN TO YOU,

AND YOU'LL OPEN THE DOOR

YOU'RE ALL I NEED RIGHT NOW IS TRUE,

NOTHING WORKS LIKE YOU.  

..

To 14th LEOs: I miss you, I miss those times. To 15th LEOs: I hope it helps.

See my card making for kids in hospitals, meaningful huh? It's an activity carried out by a community service club in ISU. Indeed it's a meaningful work.. But you know what, I was actually doing it all by my own. Although i felt really happy because i manage to continue community serving here, i felt disappointed at the same time for I haven't meet passionate people in doing charity works like LEOs did, yet.

There were only ten few people turned up for the card making activity. Well, number always doesn't matter, as long as everyone put their efforts in it and do it sincerely. Disappointingly, i saw most of them kinda like doing their own thing, talking to their own friends, sitting and doing works at their own table, and after a while, when they started feeling bored, they say 'Bye!' and went off. This was only a 2 hours activity, from 5pm to 7pm, yet how many people tend to stay until the event ended?

I realized how hard it is to meet people who are having the same ambission, same passion, keeping the same spirit as we do, doing the same thing together, trying to achieve the same goals together. All i wana say is, please appreciate and treasure every moments when you guys are doing events or hang out or even just having a meal together.. cause you will never know whether you will meet any person like them in the future. 

Back to the story, I insisted to stay until the event ended. There were two girls sitting beside me, and they left at around 6pm. I was like 'wow, leaving this early?' they said 'oh,we were here since 5pm and now it is 6pm! We've been staying for long'. I feel like wana tell them, 'oh i was here since 5pm too. - -..'
Be responsible. Once you have picked up something, make sure you finished it or bear with it till the end. Maybe it's boring, maybe it's tough, maybe it's annoying but well, you made the choice, be responsible.Kay fine, it's voluntary work we can't force anyone to do it, yaaaaaa 'cause people don't get pay ma!'. But you know what, If everyone practice the same altitude, i wonder how's the world gonna be in the future.

It was just a two hours activity yet it makes me thought of so many things, and missing all my times and people in INTI LEO so much.

I manage to 'make my ass sit on the chair until the end of the activity', but in my heart felt like leaving the room before it ends. Every participants have no interactions at all. Even the organizing team, they were sitting at a table interacting among themselves only. And i realized, people were not taking things serious enough, made me feel that i was one of the fool trying so hard to make the cards. However, there were still some people who really put efforts and stayed till the end of the activity and I thank God for that.. there are still people who really putting their efforts in this.


Things i wana bring out are: 
-Voluntary works are always not easy.. there aren't much people who really care enough and willing to involve themselves in it.

-And it's really hard to find a group of people, all working together like one, striking for the same goals. If you have found them, treat them well and cherish them.

-It's troublesome works and people don't get pay to do it. So be respect to each other, and appreciate every each of them because they can make their choice not to do it, but they didn't.

- DO NOT GIVE UP OR QUIT IN THE HALF OF ANY WORKS, unless you have a really good reason for it.  Work it out till the end.Well, in my opinion, reasons would be excuses.


Looking forward to meet better situations and good peoples in the future :). I'll keep my efforts on community services and i won't let it go no matter where i am.Hope for the best. And i hope this post could raise some consciousness of you, especially to my beloved juniors. I hope it helps. Cheers.



..

Thank you!!

Life here so far so good. What I really feel grateful is, I have bunch of good friends. Each day talking to one of them even for a few minutes already make my days. Thank god I have them around every time when I feel alone.. I'm so motivated to get through everything after talking to them, knowing that I have so many supports and back ups and blessings from them and from my family.. And my relationships with my family really get closer and closer.. And life here is okay so far..and friends here are great :)

Again, I really have to say 'thank god, thanks everyone, for everything.


Ga yau!!

Living in my dream

So now yea, here I m, in my dream.
Yea dream, it was just a dream. But here I m on the land of United States. Still so unbelievable.
The beginning of my life here was abit dull cause I can't get to mix with the others.
Yet, I met a bunch of Malaysian and Singaporen friends and things start to turn interesting.

I met Fifa(not the soccer match FIFA). She's a Singaporean and she's a great girl. :)

She's sweet and she looks great, and she's so caring too. It's really a glad to meet her.


I met David, who calls himself 'the awesome'.. And he's only 19, so we call him kid.

 I met Patrick, Steve and Chee Kang and Arif are here too..

And i have whole bunch of awesome seniors, helping me alot. I met Tania, Zack, Kennard, Wilson and Ian too here. We cook and eat together, have outing together and it was really awesome.

I just moved into my room few days ago.. And I have to say, I got two really helpful and kind roommate.. One of them is Corigne, and another is Rebecca.. They are friendly and sweet,indeed. Thank God.

Just had my first day of classes and it wasn't bad.. It was okay.. I got to noe some people but not so familiar with them yet.. But nvm, more yet to come I believe.. It's just the beginning..

I feel really feel thankful for everything going back to the right track.. Hopefully it'll go even better in the future.. Thank God for arranging me everything.. Before coming to US, I actually have chosen a twin sharing room. But accidentally they assigned me an apartment with single private room, and I didn't realized until I moved into my Dom. It sucks making mistake like this but i realized that's the room and environment I m looking for and, most blessed one is I met good roommates.

And at the begining, I can't really able to mix with people but thank God, again, I met Fifa and the others.. We encourage each others, have fun together, have meals together and that really make me feel much better and warmer on this strange land.. At least I now I'm not alone.

I needa thanks my parents the most actually. Thanks them for sending me this far to study.. It needs a great deal of money but they still willing to send me over here.I'm so lucky to have parents like them. I know i'm even luckier to have chance studying abroad, so I'll try my best to do the best achievements.

It's hard when u need to start everything all over again, from zero. Finger crossed, pray for things to get better and better.. It might get tougher in the future but i'll try my best to overcome and go through it..

I miss friends in Malaysia and I guess I had really missed out a lot of great moments with people in Malaysia. But anyway I started a new life right here, and I gotta move on. Pray that the day to meet all of them in Malaysia again would b near.

Pray for my parents, my family, my friends, my new life, my studies, my everything.
Move on! Fighting!


'Your dreams in your heart lies within reach, if you believe in yourself.'


Cheers : )





..

2011

It's really a brand new year for me.
I'm in Us now, like, so unbelievable. But it just happened.
THe journey coming to US was 'adventurous', i can say.

But anyway we still make it to be here in Des Moines,Iowa State.

Tania and zack have been treating us really well, helping us in everything and allowed us to live in their doms.
This is the third day here and i feel time pass really slow here.

Iowa is not a town city and hence it has nothing much here. Life is kinda boring although we have potluck with Tania and Zack's friends but i think it doesn't make any difference.

We are new and i find it kinda hard to mix with people here. They know each other and when they talk to each other we have no chance or don't even know how and what to talk to the others. I found it kinda lonely here. Hopefully things will get better after Orientation on next monday.

I somehow find it Homesick-ing and Friendsick-ing. But i wouldn't want my family to be here because the weather here is really terribly cold, although it doesn't snow (yet). And like what i mentioned, life here is really boring, i think it's because without friends. Even going potluck or party, i don't know people there and found it kinda hard to mix with people.

If i can ever advice a parent for their sons and daughters' studies, i'd probably tell them don't let your sons or daughters go abroad especially United States which is so far far far away. Feeling not right but i barely have people to talk to. Plus you have to sometimes 'pretend' you're doing well when people asking 'how are you'.

I don't wana make this trip sad, i hope things will get better. Losing my confidences and feel really stressed here even i haven't start to go to classes.





Somehow i feel like hoping my crazy friends in INTI and Seremban are here. Thay can just make everything fun even when it has nothing interesting. I miss them. Of cause my family members. I know it's third day only so i guess things will get better soon. Not hopefully but PLS DO GET BETTER THANKS!

2.5 yrs. Hey time, fly faster pls! HOpe everything will go great. Praying hard for that.. I hope i cant find my own position here. So may God help me,Amen.




...

Don't forget me..

You can make me smile, one last time,
Before I fall apart.
I just want one chance to tell you what's true,
With what's left of my broken heart.
I don't want you to leave,
When I still have so much to say.
Promise you'll never forget me,
I promise I'll never forget you.
I can't help but cry as I write,
Because I know every word is true.
Never forget the smiles we've shared,
Please don't forget the memories we've made.
When you go, don't erase me,
Don't let the passions fade.
Never forget the times I've held you,
I'd do anything to hold you again.
I want you there until the very end,
Don't ever forget that I love you.
You will always be everything that shines,
I'll never forget the time I first looked at you,
And fell in love with your eyes...

--by Beautiful Disaster

有时候清描淡述的歌词，反而更碰触人心。淡淡的词，勾出的反而是翻腾、久违的遗憾。匆匆的城市中，每每当我们受伤流血，也只能拖着疲惫身躯继续前进..早已忘记了好久以前的那份纯纯的思念；当时我们没时间让伤口复合，只能压抑着痛，忘记痛的来源，继续生活。许久，早已麻木，早已心如止水。当一个偶然，一首歌、一个场景、一个人不小心在繁忙生活中出现，勾勒出心中某人的脸孔时..那份被压抑的伤悲和感情也被深深的勾了出来。当下我们才记得，那年的某一段日子，某一个时间里，我们曾深深的爱过，也深深的伤过。遗憾的不是消逝的感情，而是人事已非。以往开心的回忆，如今却成了礼貌地问候。但心里的翻腾，永远深刻..永远永远。有一些人、有一些事，自己心里明白，永远不会忘记..因为忘不了。
 

陪我唱歌 清唱你的情歌 
舍不得 短短副歌 心还热着 
也该告一段落 
还好我有 我下一首情歌 
生命宛如 静静的 相拥的河 
永远 天长地久..

I shall meet you again in the future.. 
With smiles on our faces, waving our hands, saying Hello..
revising the joy and tears that we've gone through together.

And then, we say Goodbye.
And then we'll back again to reality.
The Sadness still sad, The Sorryness still, sorry.
And the Love,  still hiding, somewhere behind our smiley faces, deep inside our heart.

.. 

Dear Friends..A song to share..

To share, with all my beloved friends..


就在最近这几天
我总是发呆老半天
盘旋在脑海中不去的是
你的话语和难忘的笑脸

就在最近这几天

离开学校的日子很空闲
我总是有时没事就温习过去

还有重看我们的照片

飞呀时间为何那么快的不见
一起欢笑一起流泪的日子

将这几年点缀成美丽的画面

飞呀我请月光洒在我的身边
我将学习如何去思念
我将熬夜回味这几年日记每一面

我曾经
为你熬夜只为了做你的生日卡片
一起熬夜一起准备明天的测验
过了今天也许只能说再见
能不能再次陪我熬夜聊天
为你熬夜帮你录下你最爱的影片
一起熬夜一起在网上废话连篇
过了很多天我们熬过多少夜
就让我唱这一首歌
请陪我熬夜到明天




In the past few days,
I always trancing for the whole day.
What hovering in my mind,
was our words and all unforgettable smiles.

In the past few days,
my days are free after leaving school.
I'm always revising all the past memories,
And looking at our photos.



Flying.. Why time flies so fast?
Days of tears and laughing
make these few years into a beautiful embellishment of memories.

Flying.. i requested the moonlight shines on my surroundings
I will start to learn how to miss
I will stay up all night pondering the past few years, through each pages of the diary.



I have been
Stay up late just to make you a birthday card;
Stay up all night together with you for the preparation for tomorrow's test;
Maybe there's only 'goodbye' after today,
but could i have you to stay up late chatting with me again?

Stay up late just to help you record your favorite videos;
Stay up all night together with the on-line nonsense;
After many days, after how many nights we've got through
Let me sing this song to you
Please stay up together with me too tomorrow..

..